The Mayan End of the World: The Perfect Subject for Photography and a Drink

My best friend, Dubs McClusky was at the house the other day.  Dubs is really more than a friend: he's a confidant, someone I can trust with my darkest secrets (he thinks a dark secret is one you tell at night); he's someone who will keep refilling his glass with my most expensive single malt whiskey without feeling the need to ask for permission about something so trifling.  I've known Dubs for more than twenty years, and if nothing else he's consistent (especially with my single malt).  Not being a photographer himself, he always tries to say something nice about my work, despite the fact that there's not an artistic bone in his body.

"I love your pictures, but they would look so much better in color.  You know, color pictures are just so much more colorful."

Worshiping the Maximon by Tom Bell.  Copyright 2012.  All rights reserved.  The Maximon embodies Mayan mysticism.  By the way, this one's in color for Dubs.

"It's a matter of preference, Dubs.  Some people really love black and white images."

"I know, but they stopped making movies in black and white because people like 'em in color more."  He poured another glass and looked silently pass me for far too long.

"Something wrong, Dubs?"

"I'm worried, Tom," he lamented.  "They're saying the end of the world's only a month away."  He took a big gulp and stared deeply into his glass. "You know about that Mayan end-of-the-world stuff, don't you?  I mean your wife is from Guatemala and speaks Spanish and stuff."

"Right, Dubs.  I also have some friends who are archaeologists.  They say there's nothing to worry about."

I saw a glimmer of hope in Dubs' eyes.  "You know I saw a Three Stooges where the guys were archaeologists.  They found Rootin' Tootin's mummy."  He smiled deeply as his thoughts went back to the movie short of long ago.

"That was in black and white, by the way," I noted.

Magic by Tom Bell.  Copyright 2012.  All rights reserved.

He nodded, as if I had revealed something important, then he was lost again. "The world can't end before Christmas.  What about the presents!  This Mayan stuff is serious business!  By the way, there's just a little left in the bottle; you don't want any do you?"

I picked up the bottle and poured the rest into his glass.

"You should keep this 15 year old Scotch all the time," he noted.  "Its really good."

"I bet."

"But what if it really is the end of the world?  What then!"

"Well, Dubs, I'm really looking forward to it.  If it's really the end of the world, it's the best event a photographer could hope for."

"What do you mean?"  The confusion on his face intensified.

"Can you imagine having something like that to photograph?," I asked.  "Every photographer in the world will be looking for the best angle, that fine art shot that defines the moment!  It's going to be something great!"

"Huh?"

"Mine will be in black and white!"

"But you said those archaeologists say there's nothing to it."  Dubs was almost in tears.

"What do they know?" I said.

"Really?  But.... you said...."

"I know what I said.  But this is it, Dubs.  My wife told me not to tell you.  But this is it..."

His eyes were huge. "Noooo.  You're just playin' with me aren't you."

"Sorry, Dubs."

Silence.  Dropped jaw. Owl eyes.

"Listen, Dubs, if I were you, I'd enjoy it since there's nothing we can do. Why don't you buy a case of this single malt. Make it a couple of cases and you'll get a discount.  Since you won't have to pay it back, use your credit card and buy a  couple of cases of the 18 year old stock.  I can store it and we can drink to the end of the world anytime you want.  We'll show those archaeologists!"

His mouth was still agape.

I wasn't sure if I should slap him slightly, but I decided to speak instead.  "It's okay, Dubs.  I promise that the last photograph I take as the world ends will be of you."

"Okay," he said after a while. He hesitated, "...but would it be okay if you did it in color?"

You can view my website at: www.tombellart.com

The Price of Gas: A New Conspiracy Theory (with Photographic Proof)!

An ordinary day, what appears to be the usual commute to the office:  Who would think I would uncover the greatest dastardly scheme to befall the innocent American consumer!

I leave home for work, then four minutes later as I’m going by the local convenience store, I have an irresistible urge to use the bathroom -- unusual to say the least.  I rush in only to find a line of people at the restroom doors  -- again, unusual at just after 7:00 in the morning.  Some of them are jumping up and down and muttering lines such as,  “Hurry up, I’ve really got to pee.” 

“Wow,” I say to myself, as the line grows behind me,  “who would think there’s such a line for the bathroom.”

Finally, I use the facilities, then like everyone else who had been in line, I leave with some snacks and a drink.  I’m already stopped, so I fill the car up with gas before getting back on the road.  At this particular place, unleaded is going for $3.39 a gallon, six cents cheaper than some of the stations only a couple of miles away.

I pull back onto the road, then, glancing through the rear view mirror, the answer to the bathroom queue is revealed to me on the electronic billboard announcing the price of gas.  It’s a conspiracy to make people pee!  I know, I know, you think I’m some kind of ranting loon like Mel Gibson in the Conspiracy Theory movie; actually, you think I make him look sane. But it’s true and the proof is reflected in my car’s rear view mirror.  I’m on to them and they can’t stop me from telling the truth.  As I’ve told you before in by blog, always carry a camera.  Who would think it could prove the greatest mad plot of the twenty-first century?



This is proof that you should always carry a camera. 
 A conspiracy is revealed in the photograph

“Oh, just a coincidence,” you say.  A mirror image of the word "pee" on the gas price sign -- just a coincidence?  I think not!  If the price had been $3.45 instead of the ever-so-clever $3.39, the hoards wouldn’t have been stopping to empty their bladders.  They also wouldn’t have been leaving the store with sodas, coffee, beef jerky, and pricey reflective stickers of Justin Bieber.

Now, we must ask just how widespread is this conspiracy.  Are there hundreds, even thousands of convenience stores with the secret to the billboard that will subliminally force us to pee, then buy all sorts of unneeded food and trinkets as we leave the store?

I demand an investigation.  Who is behind this sinister manipulation and what is next on their agenda?  Look in the rear view mirror at your convenience store and let me know if this insidious conspiracy has reached your neighborhood.  Warn your neighbors, friends, and family before it’s too late.  Contact your elected officials. And when you feel the urge to pull into a convenience store to use the bathroom --resist.  That’s when you know they’ve gained control of your mind.

Let’s stop this mad conspiracy.  If you pee, the bad guys win. Please don’t pee! 

You can view my website at:  http://www.tombellart.com/.